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In this groundbreaking follow-up to her best-selling books The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People, Patricia Evans goes beyond identifying verbally abusive behaviors to prescribing a course of action for both victim and abuser. Coupling stories of abused women and abusive men from her own case studies, Evans gives you the tools you need to transform your relationship. Most important, she assures you that such a transformation is possible-given the right circumstances. Evans also helps you determine if your abuser really has changed-or if he's merely creating the illusion of change. And if he hasn't changed, Evans helps you decide whether it's time to leave the relationship-and what to do when it is.
Combining practical applications and the latest clinical research with her trademark support and assurance, Evans shows you how to empower yourself, improve your relationship, and change your life for the better.
- Sales Rank: #35001 in Audible
- Published on: 2012-12-31
- Format: Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Running time: 440 minutes
Most helpful customer reviews
149 of 156 people found the following review helpful.
Incredibly Insightful
By Wanda
I read this book after leaving my husband (and about 6 months after reading Patricia's first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship). I found both books incredibly helpful in their own way - the first book in explaining the different types of things covert verbal abusers do (many of my x-husband's behaviors upset me but it wasn't until I read that book that I finally really saw the overall pattern and fully understood how soul destroying his abuse was). She also explains the behaviors of overt verbal abusers (what most people have come to associate with the words 'verbal abuse' - name calling, yelling, threatening, etc.).
That information gave me the insight I needed to leave my marriage. What I personally couldn't understand from the first book, however, was Patricia's explanation as to why abusers do what they do and what my relationship with my husband was really about. This newer book explained that so clearly I cried for days. I found that it was essential knowledge for me in being able to let go. After all of her years of counseling both abusers and the abused, Patricia seems to really understand the thoughts and emotions behind abusive behavior. After reading this book I came away feeling more empathy for, but also more detachment from, my x-husband. It also gave me valuable insight into how damaging the relationship had really been for me.
Personally, I would recommend first reading the The Verbally Abusive Relationship before reading this book as I think it provides important background information for this book. One thing I found interesting is that in the first book Patricia listed out 16 traits she commonly found in verbally abused women. In this book she listed one - that the victim feels "irreparably flawed." I thought that was a perfect description of how I had come to feel and her book explained why I felt that way about myself. The other insight I found extremely helpful is that she doesn't recommend couple's counseling - she has found that the abusers end up manipulating the counselor into blaming the victim and it ends up empowering the abuser. After reading her explanation, I couldn't agree more.
This book provides wonderful advice for how an abuser can recover IF (the big if) they want to. Mostly however I think this is valuable for verbally abused women to better understand what is really behind the abuse and what their relationship is really about.
90 of 97 people found the following review helpful.
An important resource for determining if an abusive man can change
By Rolf Dobelli
Communication specialist Patricia Evans explores the issue of verbal abuse in heterosexual relationships. She builds on her previous work in The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People by posing the question, "Can a verbally abusive man really change?" What is particularly startling about verbal abuse, Evans explains, is that in almost every case the abuser feels that he is the one being attacked. (Rarely, abusers are female, but such cases aren't discussed in this book.) Getting him to own up to his damaging behavior is not easy. Motivating him to change is even more difficult. Evans supplies tools you can use to determine if your partner is likely to change and a program that can help him do so, if you think he can alter his abusive behavior. Evans uses her book as a pulpit to preach against unqualified therapists, verbal abuse in all its forms and the male-dominated society that has made such abuse possible. But, her cause is just, and we recommend this important resource to anyone who is struggling to survive an abusive relationship and to therapists who are seeking solid information.
116 of 127 people found the following review helpful.
Finally! Understanding!
By Carol B.
It was difficult to read her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" because I cried my way through it. But as difficult as that one was, this one is enlightening. It's one thing to know that someone is abusive, it's another thing entirely to understand why. I actually felt sympathy for my husband instead of loathing - and that is a wonderful start. And with "The Agreement" that this new book centers around, I was actually offered hope. My husband is aware of what he does; he has honestly been working on seeing me in a different light. But it really helps our relationship now that I understand in what light he was seeing me.
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